The Death Star Human Resources Department Newsletter: April 12, 2024
That's no moon, more Bad Batch, we get a new outlaw, and more Wookiee Jedi
Hello there
Good morning, happy Friday, and welcome to this week’s edition of the Death Star Human Resources Department Newsletter. We’ve got a little of everything this week. There’s a Death Star here in North Texas. The Bad Batch is almost done. We’ve got some new footage from Star Wars: Outlaws that looks cool but is causing people to yell a lot online. The Wookiee Jedi is ready for his close up. I talk about the eclipse. Plus all the usual nonsense you’ve come to know and…well…maybe not love but at least tolerate here at Death Star HR.
As always, I appreciate you reading. Thanks to you, the reader, Death Star HR has become the most trusted source on Substack for grammatically questionable Star Wars hot takes. So if you like what you’re reading, please tell a friend. Now, let’s get ot it.
This Is Where The Fun Begins
I’m not sure how it was in a lot of other parts of country, but it was eclipse-mania here in Dallas. As you no doubt know, there was a solar eclipse on Monday, and Dallas was in the Path of Totality. More on the eclipse below, but I have to say, it was not what I expected…
Of course, we actually do have a Death Star here in North Texas. But it’s over in Arlington…
Has anyone ever seen Jerry Jones and Emperor Palpatine at the same time? I’m not saying they’re the same person. But I’m not not saying it either.
The Bad Batch Had an Episode This Week
We’re on the final stretch of The Bad Batch and they gave us an episode. Look, even your favorite movies, musicians, TV shows, etc are allowed to have an off day. Episode 12 of The Bad Batch was just there. It wasn’t good. It wasn’t bad. It just was. They can’t all be bangers. It was a perfectly cromulent episode. Some things happened. The Bad Batch went on an adventure. We got the return of an old friend. It was very much a “when are they going to get to the fireworks factory”1 type of episode. You need to watch it so the show can move along.
Quick thoughts:
Star Wars has been getting a lot of mileage out of prison breaks and/or the Juggernauts lately. Rogue One, Andor, The Mandalorian. I’m sure I’m missing one or two.
I’ve really enjoyed Jimmi Simpson’s voice performance as Dr. Hemlock. Creepy with just the right amount of menace. It’s like if Liam McPoyle became a scientist.
It’s fun to see Phee come back and save the day. Her infatuation with Tech is low key a very enjoyable part of the show.
Seems likely Omega is going to try to lead a prison break. Possibly with the aid of Emerie. I’m here for Omega leading a bunch of Force-sensitive younglings on a rampage through Tantiss yelling “one way out!”
Trying to Convince Myself I Don’t Need a PS5
Last week I posted what passes for an update with the Knights of the Old Republic remake that was announced way back in 2021. It was only about three years ago but it may as well have been 30 years since time no longer has any meaning. Thanks to the very, very slow progress of the KOTOR remake, I was able to come to the realize that I really don’t need a PS5.
Then I saw the trailer for Star Wars: Outlaws.
OK, that looks like a lot of fun. From what I can gather reading the comments2 people DO NOT like Ubisoft. And while I haven’t gone to look for them, I’m sure there’s plenty of comments from the “TOO MANY GURLZ IN STAR WARS” types complaining about Kay Vess is a GIRL and they have to play as a GIRL and that’s BAD. I’m not even going to go looking for those because I don’t want to waste any valuable bandwidth or braincells on it. I am a little surprised it appears you cannot customize your character, but maybe Star Wars is planning on dropping Kay Vess in some other media.
When the first trailer was released last year, people were snarking that Outlaws was going to be Grand Theft Auto: Tatooinee. And it does look that way. As an open world game presumably you’ll be able to roam around explore and go on missions. It sounds like based on the little bit of dialog there will be some kind reputation system. Probably you have to level up your reputation as a criminal to get new and more difficult missions. Not as interesting as the Light/Dark side choices in KOTOR, but in my book nothing can be as good as KOTOR.
I like the idea of a game that’s not getting into the Jedi and Sith. That’s a nice change. The game is set between Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi which is an underused time frame in Star Wars. The only thing I can think of that takes place in that time frame is Shadows of the Empire (which I’m planning on writing about soon. Otherwise it’s an unexplored time. Maybe there’s something in Canon I’m not aware of though. But I’m so far behind on Canon so who knows.
Plus…Qi'ra is back!
There are probably going to be plenty of reasons to not like this game, some legitimate (Ubisoft’s business practices) some not so much (it’s OK to play as a girl character). But it’s something new from Star Wars we haven’t seen yet. So I’m excited. Even if when push comes to shove I won’t get that PS5.
Kelnacca is the People’s Champion
I can’t imagine there are any Star Wars fans out there who don’t like Chewbacca. Maybe there are, but I don’t want to know them. I mentioned that after the trailer for The Acolyte first came out, the Wookiee Jedi was going to be my new best friend. I mean, it’s a Wookiee with a lightsaber. That’s just the coolest.
Joonas Suotamo, the actor inside the walking carpet, had a big feature in Empire, talking about what he learned from the late Peter Mayhew and how he wanted to portray the new and best character on The Acolyte.
Shaping an all-new kind of Wookiee meant going back to what Suotamo learned while playing Chewbacca. “Peter told me right from the get-go that Chewbacca is a mime character,” Suotamo recalls. “The audience doesn't understand what he's saying exactly, but they [interpret] his mannerisms, and every little twitch, and every little movement, and roar.”
I knew there was a Wookiee Jedi in the High Republic books, but it turns out there’s going to be a different Wookiee Jedi in The Acolyte.
Of course, Kelnacca isn’t the first Wookiee Jedi in all of Star Wars. The Clone Wars’ Youngling arc introduced budding Jedi Gungi – while the High Republic era of novels and comics (a time period which culminates in The Acolyte) features fan-favourite Force-wielding Wookiee Padawan Burryaga on the page.
It’s probably too much to hope that we’d get Kelnacca and Burryaga on the screen at the same time, but a man can dream.
That Actually is a Moon…
As noted above, there was a solar eclipse on Monday and Dallas was in the Path of Totality. At first I thought the Path of Totality was the name for one of Emperor Palpatine’s evil schemes but instead I think it’s some kind of Jedi training where you just move rocks and think about how you shouldn’t have feelings. For the past few weeks, all I’ve been seeing in the local news is we were looking at apocalypse levels or tourists and traffic. I’m talking cats and dogs living together type of insanity. In the end, it was busier than normal around here but certainly not what it could have been. Maybe the weather kept people away, the forecasts leading up to Monday weren’t promising. Maybe it was just wishful thinking on the part of the tourism boards in cities across Texas.
Honestly, I wasn’t sure things were going to live up to the hype. Maybe after reading all the reports that the city would be a madhouse and it being pretty low key made me think the eclipse itself wouldn’t be much. Or maybe it’s my Gen-X cynicism which has me incapable of actually enjoying anything and only somewhat enjoying something on an ironic level. I fully expected to take off my eclipse glasses and say “that was it?”
Instead, it was honestly one of the coolest things I’ve ever seen. I was not expecting to say that. To see the sun just completely blocked out and to watch it look like nighttime at 1:40 in the afternoon was a sight I won’t forget.
To tie it into Star Wars, because I actually do have a point here, Star Wars is often the story of man versus machine. Or maybe nature versus machine. What is the Force, especially pre-Midichlorians, if it’s not just a natural energy. After all, George Lucas is a child of the 60’s. The Empire are the machines. They have the Death Star, General Grevious, and the ultimate half-man/half-machine, Darth Vader. Sure, the Rebellion isn’t exactly the Yuuzhan Vong with a burning hatred of technology; but at the key moment, Luke turns off his targeting computer and trusts the Force. Anakin ultimately chooses to reject the Emperor and his death machines and become one with the Force. Maybe there’s a lesson there.
I probably definitely spend too much time in front of a machine. Most of my workday is at a computer. I spend probably too much of my free time on my MacBook. How else am I supposed to get this written? I live in a big city that claims to have a lot of parks and outdoor things but also is the temperature of Tatooine for nine months out of the year. Can you really blame me for being attached at the hip to my computer?
The eclipse was a good reminder that the world is bigger than the machines we tie ourselves too. Especially since if you wanted a good picture, you couldn’t use your phone, The dopamine machine in our pockets. You had to put in down and be in the moment. Aside from the few people I saw in the park with a real camera setup, everyone was in the same situation. We couldn’t use our phones, only our eyes. We had to turn off the targeting computers. When the park went dark, everyone clapped and cheered. It wasn’t quite blowing up the Death Star, but it was pretty cool.
Or maybe I just wanted an excuse to post my eclipse pictures and half-assedly used the Force as my reason.
Great Moments in Star Wars Merchandise
A couple weeks ago I was browsing records at a local…I’m never sure what to call these type of places. Flea market doesn’t since flea market, rightly or wrongly, has a more trashier connotation to it. Antique store or mall doesn’t really work since you hear antiques and you think old and stuffy. A lot of the stuff is older but it’s a lot more kitschy than stuffy. Think John’s store in the Homer’s Phobia episode of The Simpsons. Anyway, as I’m walking around, I found this:
As I’m looking it over, a woman walks by and sees the lunchbox and says “oh, I love that.” I said, “I love it too. But I don’t have 45 bucks worth of love for it.” Nostalgia is big business. Especially in the Star Wars universe. That lunch box is pretty cool. I’m just “young” enough that I wouldn’t have had that lunch box, by the time I was in school, metal lunchboxes had been phased out. I left it on the shelf for someone 5 years older than me.
From the Depths of Wookieepedia
I’ve been thinking for a while that food in Star Wars might just be my new favorite Wookieepedia category. Like I’ve said before, they have to name it something close enough to food in our galaxy that we know what it is, but not exactly the same or it won’t be Star Wars-y enough.
The exception to this is Timothy Zahn just saying “screw it, I’m putting hot chocolate in a Star Wars book.”
This week our culinary delight comes from the video game Star Wars: Jedi Survivor. It’s Greasy Greez-loaf, just like mom used to make.
It’s not clear what exactly Greasy Greez-loaf is, but I’m going to imagine it as an intergalactic meatloaf.
News From the HoloNet
Next Star Wars Movie The Mandalorian & Grogu Has a Release Date
May 22, 2026. Already added to my calendar.
Reported armed man at Scottish train station was 'Star Wars' Stormtrooper
Honestly a guy with a gun and a kilt wouldn’t be close to the weirdest thing you’d see on a train here.
‘Star Wars’: Beau Willimon to Co-Write James Mangold’s Movie
He wrote the “One Way Out” episode of Andor. That’s a good sign.
Star Wars: The Acolyte aims to top Darth Maul lightsaber fight
I’m not sure they’ll be able to top the duel of the fates, but I welcome them trying. gth
That’s it for this week. If you like what I’m doing, please subscribe. I’ll catch you next week, and may the Force be with you.
Two Simpsons references in three lines might be a new record for me.
Something you should never do.
That is a great summary of the Bad Batch episode. Tho I did like the tank fight
I did have a metal Empire strikes back lunchbox and plastic one, still have the plastic👍🏻