The Death Star Human Resources Department: October 27, 2023
The worst VR missions, more on upcoming content, rebooting the OT, and the most dangerous animal in the world.
Hello there
Good morning, happy Friday, and welcome to this week’s edition of the Death Star Human Resources Department Newsletter. We’ve got a good one this week. Also, this is the last newsletter before Halloween. Is anyone dressing up as a Star Wars character this year? Let me know in the comments. I need to find my Jedi robes. What…surely you’re not surprised I own a Jedi costume? Last year I needed a costume for a Halloween party and picked up these bad boys off of Amazon. I’m surprised they have “Jedi” in the title, figured Disney would shut that down. I’m sure if I went to Disneyworld I could pick up some custom tailored Jedi robes for $500 bucks. But for the price they were surprisingly pretty good. I made a very convincing Generic Jedi.
Anyway, as always thanks for reading Death Star HR. If you’re not a subscriber yet, please smash that subscribe button and tell a friend. Now, let’s get to it.
This Is Where The Fun Begins
I will never not laugh at an Anakin/Younglings joke…
Probably not the Star Wars VR missions Disney had in mind…
Episode IV - A New Reboot
We’re stuck in a reboot doom loop when it comes to Hollywood. If it’s not yet another sequel to an existing IP, it’s a reboot of something beloved1. The only way to avoid a reboot is to take the Star Wars or Marvel route and just keep churning out content until the sun burns out. Even then, I suppose it could be argued the Sequel Trilogy was a quasi-reboot:
The Force Awakens was just a refreshed version of A New Hope.
The Last Jedi was the best of the 3 and ends on a down note.2
Rise of Skywalker drags a bit and like the Ewoks, tries to rely on a Weird Little Guy in Babu Frick to save the day.
It’s likely that the Sequel Trilogy is less an intentional quasi-reboot and more just a series of movies that suffered from corporate group-think and a refusal to take risks. But in Star Wars fandom, if there’s probably one thing all aspects of fandom could agree on it’s that the Original Trilogy should be left alone. And really should have been left alone before the Special Editions. Just freeze it in carbonite and leave it be.
However, Matthew Vaughn, director of X-Men: First Class isn’t on board with leaving the OT untouched:
“For me, doing a Star Wars movie is to play with the characters that I loved,” he said on a recent episode of the Happy Sad Confused podcast. “If they said to me, do you want to reboot Star Wars and actually have Luke Skywalker, Solo and Vader and do your version of it? Everyone would say you’re an idiot to try, but that would excite me. … Why are the characters so hallowed that from 1977 that you can’t re-do it for a new audience?”
I mean…that’s a take.
He explained that Star Wars is the Skywalker family, and he feels like Lucasfilm and Disney have sort of strayed from that original group of people, and that’s where he thinks they’ve gone wrong. He shared that, to him, the TV shows are still good, but the franchise is missing an epic new film.
There probably are two camps in Star Wars. One who thinks we need to focus more on things like Andor and season 1 of The Mandalorian where you are not dependent on Skywalkers. And another that says all Skywalkers, all the time.
My initial reaction was probably the same most Sickos. Revulsion. Horror. Anger. Looking for Mr. Vaughn’s address online to go picket in front of his house. Who does this guy think he is that he dares to mess with the Original Trilogy? That would be like Luke Skywalker burning the sacred Jedi texts on Ahch-Tu. Oh, wait…
There’s one very good reason to, if not reboot the OT, at least establish new actors for Luke, Leia, and Han. And that’s the TV shows. The current focus of Disney is the Mandoverse, which takes place roughly 4 - 5 years after Return of the Jedi. Luke, Leia, and Han are very much alive. You need to show Luke Skywalker to tell the story of the attempted rebuild of the Jedi Order and how Kylo Ren ruined it. You need to show Senator Leia Organa to tell the story of how the New Republic dropped the ball and the rise of the First Order. You need to show Han Solo to tell the story of…well, as far as I know it hasn’t really been established what Han was doing between Episode VI and VII. But you need to have Han around. Maybe it has been established what he’s up to in books or comics but I’m so far behind on reading canon novels that I have no clue.
To tell those stories, you need actors. Let’s face it, the CGI Luke that popped up in The Mandalorian and Book of Boba Fett wasn’t exactly great. The C-3PO cameo in place of Leia in Ahsoka was clever…for one episode. You can’t do those tricks forever and you can’t really use the original actors. Mark Hamil is 72 years old. Harrison Ford is 81. Carrie Fisher is no longer with us. Billy Dee Williams is 86! I had no idea he was that old, and I can’t lie, Billy Dee is looking pretty good for 86.
Star Wars has already shown that you can have new actors play favorite characters and it work out OK, you don’t have to rely on CGI that doesn’t look quite right. It can work for a rebooted OT. You’ve already had Alden Ehrenreich and Donald Glover as Han and Lando respectively. Nobody was demanding that Ron Howard use the de-aging tech on Harrison Ford and Billy Dee Williams. Find some new people to play Luke and Leia. Heck, give us some fan service and let Ewan McGregor play Obi-Wan. Really lean into the fan service and have Mark Hamil as the new Emperor Palpatine.
One thing I’ve consistently said is that Star Wars is better when it takes risks. What’s riskier than rebooting one of the most beloved trilogies ever? I’m here for it. Like Luke and the Jedi texts, let the past die. Bring on the future!
Darth Gator: Dark Lord of the Everglades
Some new nightmare fuel just in time for Halloween. An alligator powered by the Dark Side. Meet Darth Gator.
Of course I would have preferred to just embed the tweet with the video, but now that Twitter/X has been turned into a steaming pile of bantha poodoo, that’s no longer possible. So just click on the tweet and watch the video. I’ll wait.
OK, so you just watched what I watched. Some dude3 in an alligator pen cues up the Imperial March on his phone and an alligator comes out of the water. Scratch that, the alligator MARCHES WITH THE BEAT out of the water. Like it’s Wrestlemania and Stone Cold Steve Austin’s music just stated. This is terrifying. Alligators are an apex predator. They have no natural enemies besides humans.
It gets even worse. Alligators hunt in teams. This means that Darth Gator4 could take an apprentice under The Rule of Two. Florida is dangerous enough as it is. The last thing the world we need are a couple of gators acting as master and apprentice.
And we want to inspire Darth Gator here with the power of the Dark Side? I cannot think of a worse idea than this. Alligators stopped evolving 8 million years ago. You know why? Because they are already nature’s perfect killing machine. They are the phrase “F around and find out5” in reptile form. You don’t need to get better when you’re already the best. Sith Lord alligators mean humanity is doomed, there’s no two ways about it.
You’re looking6 at the end of humanity. And of course, it starts in Florida.
Going Back to the Never-Ending Content Machine
Last week we took a look at some of the upcoming Star Wars TV shows and if/when we could expect them. Just a few quick updates from Dork Side of the Force (I just love that name). While as noted last week, the WGA strike has ended but the SAG-AFTRA strike is still going. The actors and the studios are supposed to be meeting as I’m typing this on Wednesday the 25th, but I’m not holding my breath I’ll have to edit this before publishing on Friday the 27th.
First up, we may not be getting any new Star Wars content this year. Bespin Bulletin is reporting Skeleton Crew is likely pushed back to 2024.
Since then sources have informed me that Skeleton Crew has been delayed until an unknown time in 2024. I’ve spent the last couple of weeks attempting to gather more information, but I didn’t get much outside of its apparent delay. One person I spoke with mentioned that the series COULD be delayed by an entire year, looking at a November 2024 release, but I could not get that information confirmed by a second source, so do not take that possible window as a fact.
This shouldn’t be a surprise, there’s only nine weeks left in 2023 and we haven’t see any kind of promo material for the show. No photos, no teaser trailer, there’s still really not any info about the show outside of the cast and it’s supposed to be a Goonies style adventure with kids.
While we were planning on watching the second season of Andor at some point next year, it’s possible, per Coming Soon, that the show will be pushed back until 2025.
Initially, the series was reported to come out in late 2024, and it might still manage to meet that release window. However, if the strike continues for an extended period, the release could be pushed to 2025. We can cautiously expect the former scenario until further updates are provided.
Andor was filming when the strikes started back in May. Showrunner Tony Gilroy left the set. I believe, although I cannot find the source but I’m positive I read it at the time, Andor was somewhat able to continue filming since they were in the UK and those actors are covered by a different union. Or at least the cast members that are the stars. Could just be making stuff up. Anyway. The longer the SAG strike goes on, the longer Luthan Rael stans have to wait to see if he’s really a Jedi.
I didn’t mention the upcoming movies last week, other than Lando, which started it’s life as a TV show. There are currently four known movies, floating out there. Disney had previous announced dates for three movies, May 22, 2026, December 18, 2026, and December 17, 2027. Of course, these dates were announced prior to SAF-AFTRA strike started.
Dave Filoni’s Mandoverse movie. No known release date. Will presumably be the finale of the Mandoverse, at least until Disney wants more money. As I posted last week, at a minimum we need to see Season 4 of The Mandalorian and Season 2 of Ahsoka before we get the movie.
James Mangold’s Dawn of the Jedi. The ultimate prequel, it’s going to explore not just the origins of the Jedi and maybe even the origins of The Force. There is a Legends novel and comic book series called Dawn of the Jedi but just based on the little bit of info, the only thing the movie and novel/comic will have in common is the name and the general timeline. Current speculation is 2027.
The Rey P̶a̶l̶p̶a̶t̶i̶n̶e̶ Skywalker movie. Daisy Ridley returns 15 years after The Rise of Skywalker, the Rey movie kicks off what will be The New Jedi Order era of Star Wars. Presumably Rey will be rebuilding the Jedi Order after Luke and Rian Johnson said the Jedi must die. It’s thought this will be the first movie. I mean, that’s brilliant. Rise of Skywalker was so beloved by the fanbase, what better idea than to just pick up where that movie left off7.
Untitled Shawn Levy vehicle. No real info other than that per an interview in Variety, Levy said "When [LucasFilm president] Kathy Kennedy brought me on board to make a Star Wars movie, her central mandate to me was 'I want a Shawn Levy movie. I want a story and a tone that reflects you and your taste and what you bring to your movies - with a Star Wars story.'"
Of course, everything above is subject to the whims of Disney and market forces. Yoda noted you can’t accurately predict the future. And that goes double for trying to figure out what Disney is going to do.
From the Depths of Wookieepedia
We’ve got one for the true sickos today. The Unidentified Obstetrician. That’s right, it’s not just 2-1B medical droids doing all the work in the Star Wars universe. We’ve got the Unidentified Obstetrician. Our doctor’s first and only appearance is in The Last Command, the third and final book of the OG Thrawn Trilogy. He or she, their gender is never specified, delivers Jacen and Jania Solo. J & J are Han and Leia’s first two kids in Legends. Third child Anakin comes along later.
It’s the thumbs up that gets me. When I was hitting the randomizer on Wookieepedia and the picture popped, I literally lol’d. So hats off to you, Unidentified Obstetrician, for getting your hands dirty and not just relying on a droid.
News From the HoloNet
Bounty Hunter Cad Bane Deserves His Own Star Wars Series
It is a shame how they wasted Cad Bane in Book of Boba Fett. Bring him back!
Own the Original C-3PO Head From A NEW HOPE for a Mere $1.2 Million
Excuse me while I turn this into a paid newsletter.
Star Wars Fans Are Suing Over Missing KOTOR 2 DLC
The KOTOR 2 downloadable content saga will never end.
Interview: New collection of Star Wars essays informs and inspires
I have largely stopped reading or watching things that make me think8 but I may have to give this a shot.
That’s it for this week. If you like what I’m doing, please subscribe. I’ll catch you next week, and may the Force be with you.
I live in terror we’re going to get an X-Files reboot. No, just no. Leave well enough alone.
Because that’s what life is, a series of down endings. Kevin Smith was right all those years ago.
Feels safe to assume he’s a Florida Man.
I would have gone with Vader Gator but nobody asked me.
I try to keep Death Star HR PGish.
Thanks as always to subscriber “Darth Fullz” for the AI images.
In case you were wondering, that was sarcasm.
During COVID I decided I was spending too much time on the news and resolved to just enjoy media that made me happy. Despite that resolution, I still re-watched Rise of Skywalker.