The Death Star Human Resources Department: June 14, 2023
No one expects a brand new Inquisitor, newest merchandise opportunity, the depths of Wookieepedia, and why I'm doing this.
Hello there
And welcome to the Death Star Human Resources Department Newsletter aka Death Star HR. You may be asking yourself, “where does this guy get off thinking the world needs even more Star Wars content?” Not an unfair question. And my only answer can be to channel my inner Disney executive and say “more is better.” A 12 pack is better than a six-pack, right? So it might be one more voice yelling into the vast internet void about droids and kyber crystals, but it’s gonna be my voice. A voice of Gen-X detached irony and questionable grammar skills. So please, subscribe and enjoy. The goal is weekly newsletters and to hate on The Rise of Skywalker every chance I get.
The Hot New Inquisitor Just Dropped
(image credit: Disney/YouTube)
A couple days ago YouTube suggested a video for me by a channel called “Cantina Talk” entitled “Is Ezra Bridger Actually This Inquisitor in Ahsoka???” My initial reaction was to treat it as click bait title and just move on. Something stopped me, maybe The Force, and I watched it. And after watching the video and thinking about it for a bit, I realized it’s not as far-fetched as I thought at first. Cantina Talk’s points can be summed up as:
Ahsoka is going to take place at roughly the same time as season two of The Mandalorian and Book of Boba Fett, somewhere around 9 - 11 ABY
Ezra and Thrawn have been missing, presumably in the Unknown Regions since the end of Rebels in 1 BBY
It seems likely they haven’t spent all that time just sitting around playing Dejarik
Thrawn is a master manipulator and would have all these years to turn Ezra to the dark side.
Thrawn has used Dark Jedi for his own ends in Legends, with Joruus C'baoth.
See, that’s not as crazy as my first reaction. Which was no way could Ezra have turned. And as I thought about it a little more it actually started to make sense. There are plenty of good reasons it could work. First, thinking like a TV producer, that creates a hell of a twist. Right now all we’ve seen is a few seconds in the trailer of Ahsoka fighting what appears to be an Inquisitor. That person or alien, whoever it has has the trademark double-bladed red lightsaber with the circular handle that they can spin. Imagine the scene at the end of an episode, Ahsoka duels New Inquisitor, and just when she’s about to strike him down with her twin lightsabers, he takes off his helmet to reveal it’s long lost Jedi Ezra Bridger! Fade to black and leave people wondering what will happen on next week’s episode. Or if they’re really mean that’s how they’ll end the season. So that’s reason number one. Eyeballs and internet engagement.
Why else could it be Ezra? He’s the only member of the Ghost’s crew that hasn’t been seen in the trailer, at least in person. We’ve got Hera piloting a ship (hopefully the Ghost) and delivering some kind of lecture to a group, probably telling a bunch of New Republic bureaucrats they need to stop pushing pencils in their offices on Hosnian Prime (aka Diet Coke Coruscant) and go see what’s happening in the Outer Rim. The trailer also has a quick shot of Chopper, acting like Chopper. Sabine shows up a couple times in the trailer as well, meeting Ahsoka and looking at a hologram of Ezra. Kanan obviously isn’t making appearance. Zeb wasn’t in the trailer but he already popped up in Mando season 3. So that just leaves Ezra.
In Rebels, Ezra wasn’t above using Dark Side powers on occasion. In season one, Ezra tapped into the dark side to save Kanan from the Grand Inquisitor. He used the dark side to open a Sith holocron. His flirtation with the dark side from the Sith holocron echos Anakin’s reasons for falling to the dark side. He wants to save his friends and thinks the dark side is the only way. The Sith formerly known as Darth Maul, now just Maul, attempted to make Ezra his apprentice and turn him against Kanan. Finally, when an Imperial walker is threatening Ezra, Sabine, Zeb, and Hondo, Ezra clearly uses the dark side to cause the walker’s operator to fire on his own stormtroopers and then walk off a ledge. The exchange between Ezra and Sabine just confirms it.
Sabine: When did Kanan teach you that?
Ezra: He didn’t.
(ominous dark side-sounding music plays)
Finally Ezra as an Inquisitor sets up a redemption arc. If there’s one thing the current crop of Star Wars shows love, it’s someone growing as a person because of other people. I’m using people here to mean humans, non-humans, and droids. Mando adopts Grogu. Cassian Andor goes from being a thief to fighting for a higher cause. Boba Fett becomes Space Don Corelone. If Ezra has fallen to the Dark Side while he was with Thrawn, Ahsoka and the Ghost crew can turn him back to the light, teaching us all that the real Light Side is the friends we made along the way.
OK, so that’s why it might make sense for Ezra Bridger to the be New Inquisitor. Now, why it doesn’t make sense. First off, we don’t know for sure that actually is an Inquisitor. This is well past the time the Inquisitors were known to exist, as it’s thought they were gone by 0 BBY. He could just be one of those goofy-ass Knights of Ren who found an Inquisitor lightsaber. Which let’s be honest, I’d be OK with that. Give the Knights their due. They got hyped up for Rise of Skywalker and ended up being a bunch of chumps.
Second, Ezra wasn’t exactly a fan of the Inquisitors. At all. They’re always after him in Rebels. For Ezra to willingly become one would be something. I’m in the middle of a Rebels rewatch and just finished the episode where the Seventh Sister tries to turn Ezra. Naturally, because he is good and won’t sell out his friends, Ezra refuses. The only logical response is for the Seventh Sister and Fifth Brother to try to kill him. Not sure that’s the type of organization Ezra wants to join.
Finally, we already have Dark Jedi in Ahsoka, do we really need an Inquisitor as well? We saw Baylan Skoll (old) and Shin Hati (young) in the trailer. Both of them were wielding an orange lightsaber, clearly not the red lightsaber of a Sith. There’s a lot of internet rabbit holes you can go do about these two and they are probably the two characters I am most interested in seeing what their deal is.
There are a bunch of other known characters that could be the new Inquisitor. Right now though, if I were a betting man I’d go with a big reveal with the new Inquisitor as Ezra.
Meet the New Ahsoka Trailer/Same as the Old Ahsoka Trailer
The first trailer for Ahsoka was released April 7, 2023. It was pretty cool. Lightsabers, new Dark Jedi, new Inquisitor (as discussed above), live action Chopper, and a Loth-Cat. It pretty much had it all. Then on June 7th, Disney released a second trailer entitled “Begin”. OK cool, bet we’re going to see some cool new stuff in it. Oh, bet again there, bucko. You’re going to get four new seconds of footage and you’re going to like it. After watching both trailers a couple times each, the new footage breaks down as follows
One second of a ship’s landing ramp lowering. Guessing it’s one of Thrawn’s ship the voiceover is Ahsoka talking about Thrawn’s return.
Two second’s of Sabine with a green lightsaber, presumably Ezra’s that he left with her, and dueling Shin.
One second of Ahsoka stabbing a droid with one of her lightsabers.
That’s it. Well, there was also a card announcing that the show drops on August 23rd. Which really of the point of the new teaser trailer. Gotta throw the salivating fans a bone of a few seconds of new footage though. I’m also guessing we’ll get another trailer closer to the release date with more footage. Plus, two seconds of a lightsaber dual is better than zero seconds of a lightsaber dual. I’ll take it.
What We Do in the Shadows of Tatooine’s Twin Suns
It’s no secret that Taika Waititi is one of the more interesting filmmakers out there, and one of the hardest names for me to spell. For reference, I spelled “Tatooine” correctly from memory but had to look up how to spell “Waititi” and even after doing a copy/paste I wasn’t positive I had it right. Anyway, it’s been known for a while that Waititi has been writing a Star Wars movie. Per a recent interview with The Hollywood Reporter, Waititi states he’s been working on the script for three years, and appears to be stuck.
…also has been working on a Star Wars script for three years. “I’ve got a really good idea for it,” he says. “It’s just as with all films, it’s this middle part. You’re like, ‘What’s going to happen?’ And then you look at all of those films that are so great, you’re like, ‘Well, I guess they can’t meet some smuggler with an alien sidekick.’ “
Fear not, because Death Star HR is here to help. Here is my solution for Waititi’s movie. A mashup of the hilarious TV series What We Do in the Shadows (WWDITS) and Star Wars. For those unaware, WWDITS (which Waititi is an executive producer on) follows the misadventures of four vampires (three blood suckers, one energy vampire) and a familiar living in modern day Staten Island. You should watch it, I’m pretty sure the new season is coming out soon. Mark Hamil has even appeared in it.
Picture it, once again Laszlo Cravensworth has caused a bit of trouble and someone is mad at him. Could be werewolves, could be the Vampire Council, could be a random guest star as a vampire from his past. Who it is doesn’t really matter. Heck, bring back Mark Hamil under a ton of vampire makeup. With danger lurking around the corner, Laszlo resurrects his alter ego, regular human bartender Jackie Daytona, and hits the road to Pennsylvania (it sounds like Transylvania) and invites the rest of the vampires (Nador and Nadja and Colin but not you Gulliermo) to join him. They decline, but then due to a rift in the time-space continuum, they all find themselves in a place that’s an even bigger hive of scum and villainy than Staten Island…that’s right, Mos Eisley.
After murdering the hapless Wuher, Laszlo becomes the new bartender of the Mos Eisley Cantina. Slinging drinks, banning droids, and teaching Firgrin D’an and the Modal Nodes a jizz1 version of Simply Irresistible; things a regular human bartender who just flew in from the mysterious planet of Staten I-Land IV would do. But wait, there’s already a vampire in their midst, one that’s not happy about the new competition. That’s right, you know how I’m talking about. The one and only Dannik Jerriko. While not a vampire in the bloodsucking sense, he eats brains instead of drinking blood, Dannik is pretty damn close. His species, the Anzat live a long time, have regenerative powers, are able to hypnotize their victims, and view everyone else as a potential food source. If that doesn’t sound like Space Dracula I don’t know what does. Laszlo and Dannik start out as rivals, each one viewing the other as a potential rival for the “food” walking the streets of Mos Eisley, but eventually the realize they should team up. Once they kill someone, Laszlo drinks their blood while Dannik feasts on their brains.
Meanwhile the rest of the vampires have fallen in with a rough crowd and started hanging out at Jabba’s Palace. Nandor decides he should be the new majordomo and starts plotting to get rid of Bib Fortuna. Nadja starts hanging out with Jabba’s dancers, trying to entice them away and come work at Lazslo’s new cantina. Gulliermo goes back to working on combat training skills he showed off at the end of season 2 and starts slaying the Gamorrean Guards. Colin Robinson has taken to hanging out in the depths of Jabba’s Palace with the B’omarr Monks. Unfortunately for all involved, Jabba becomes angry with Nandor, Nadja, and Gulliermo and is going to feed them to the rancor, but they’re all saved by Colin Robinson. Just when Jabba is going to open the trap door to the rancor pit, Colin Robinson comes into the throne room and starts talking about the history of the Tusken Raiders, draining the energy in the room and allowing the group to escape. That scene in ROTJ when everyone is asleep and Leia goes to unfreeze Han? That was right after Colin Robinson put everyone to sleep.
Plus, think of how great it would be to hear Matthew Berry as Laszlo Cravensworth just saying the word “Tatooine.” I’d watch a whole of show of just that.
Grand Theft X-Wing
I’m not a videogamer. Not anymore at least. I met most of my friends in college thanks to Goldeneye on Nintendo 64 but lately I just haven’t had the time. To tell you how far behind on videogames I am, the last system I owned was an Xbox 360. That being said, the just announced Star Wars Outlaws looks pretty cool. Billed as the first open world Star Wars game, the game takes place between Empire and Jedi. As far as I know this it the first Disney Star Wars thing that takes place in that time frame. You play as new character Kay Vess, a scoundrel (probably with a heart of gold) who’s trying to survive galactic civil war and pull of the biggest heist in the Outer Rim. Also maybe just maybe we’ll get the return of Dash Rendar, of Shadows of the Empire fame. He’s actually canon again. I think Shadows of the Empire will be discussed in a future newsletter.
Ten minutes of gameplay footage has been released and not gonna lie, I might need to get a PS5 or Xbox X. I know a lot can change between the first released footage and when the game actually comes out, but damn that looks like a lot of fun. It’s Space GTA, right down to the wanted system. I liked the use of the bullet time on the speeder bikes, ala Max Payne. Which makes me wonder if you’ll be able to turn Kay Vess into a Force user as the game goes on.
OK, you’re no doubt saying to yourself right now, it sounds cool but does it have a weird/cute little alien that can be turned into merch and memes?
(image credit: Ubisoft)
You bet your ass it has a weird/cute little alien that can be turned into memes and merch! How could you even think there wouldn’t be. Say hello to Nix, the latest wallet-opener from Disney. Nix is a Merqaal, a new species created for the game and is voiced by Dee Bradley Baker who voices every single damn Clone Trooper in Star Wars animated media. So watch out, Grogu. Step aside, L0-LA59. Up yours, Loth-Cat. Nix is here to steal your hearts and steal your money.
From the Depths of Wookieepedia
The heart and soul of Star Wars is just the weirdness. Sure, we all love the classic characters and iconic moments and all the things that immediately spring to mind when someone says “Star Wars.” Like who can forget the opening of A New Hope with the Star Destroyer that seems like it never ends. But real fun of Star Wars is the bits and pieces of strangeness, a character that has two seconds of screentime gets a backstory, a novel, and possibly a 8 episode arc on a streaming show. So every week we’re going to find something on Wookieepedia. Sometimes it will be something I’ve had in mind, sometimes it will be random link. Let’s go.
First up, the Skull Queen. This one as chosen at random.
OK, I got nothing here. Never heard of this one. Let’s do some digging. It looks like The Skull Queen is in Star Wars Adventures 2: The Cavern of Screaming Skulls and Star Wars Adventures 3: The Hostage Princess. Two children’s books from the early 2000’s. I’m a mark for just about any Star Wars book but I do skip the ones for kids. I have some standards. Barely.
Gotta keep clicking to figure this one out. Per the page, in 23 BBY, Quenelle was the Skull Queen. Who is Quenelle? Quenelle is what happens when the artist is told “I want the vibe of He-Man meets Temple of Doom.”
(image credit: Wookiepedia)
News From the HoloNet
Disney announces it will be at least three years before a new Star Wars movie.
This gives them plenty of time to get a restraining order against JJ Abrams and make sure he isn’t allowed anywhere near the new film.
The “no girls in Star Wars” people are back
Seriously? This shit again?
The Droid from Outlaws is a thirst trap
Hey, people like what they like. If Droids wearing trench coats is your thing, I’m not going to yuck your yum
Worth every penny. Double the budget for season 2.
That’s it for this week. If you like what I’m doing, please subscribe. I’ll catch you next week, and may the Force be with you.
“Jizz “ is a form of music in Star Wars. I am not making this up.
Hello Cosmo, since you are _famously_ not a fan of Rise, how can Rey be redeemed in your eyes? What would be a good story arc for her that doesn’t lead to displeasure?! Dark Rey??
needs more jar-jar fetts