The Death Star Human Resources Department: June 23, 2023
Combining two loves, we keep talking about the new Inquisitor, great moments in Star War merchandise, and more.
Hello there
Welcome to Week 2 of The Death Star Human Resources Department Newsletter. Going forward, the plan is for the Death Star HR email to hit your inbox on Friday morning. Thank you again for everyone who has subscribed so far. If you know someone who would like this, please send them the link or forward them the email. If you know someone would would hate this, also please send them the link or forward them the email. Now let’s get to it.
Tacobi Wan Kenobi
Clearly Star Wars is one of my favorite things, ever. That’s no secret. Also high in the list of things I love? Tacos. Hard shell, soft shell, trompo, tinga, fajita, shrimp. It doesn’t matter. Put it in a tortilla and I’m going to eat it. The only problem is I’ve never been able to combine the two. Sure, I can make some tacos and start talking to my dinner companion about Midi-chlorians or the finer points of the Decipher Star Wars Collectible Card Game, but my usual dinner companion usually doesn’t want to hear that. This was posted a couple months ago on Reddit but didn’t seem to get picked up until a few days ago.
(image source: Reddit/Zeaus03)
There’s so much going in this picture, every time I look at it I find something new. Sure you start with the photo of Obi-Wan, but then you notice what I think is some kind of pressure relief valve. Then there’s the prayer candles of Anthony Bourdain, Charles Darwin, Salvador Dali (I think) and Frida Kahlo. Finally a framed photo of Danny Trejo. Yeah, there’s a lot going on.
Given the candles and Machete photo, I’m pretty sure the taco shop owners are in on the joke, but you never know…
And honestly, even my new favorite taco shop missed the joke and thinks Obi-Wan is Jesus, who am I to judge? This is sitting on the desk at Death Star HR HQ.
Oh Mara Jade, Where Art Thou?
Last week I argued with myself and came to the conclusion with 100%, zero doubt, absolutely certainly that the new Inquisitor from the Ahsoka trailer is in fact long lost Jedi Ezra Bridger, last seen in the series finale of Rebels heading into the Unknown Regions to try to stop Grand Admiral Thrawn. You can go back and read last week’s newsletter for all the reasons, but there is a pretty convincing case to be made that the Inquisitor fighting Ahsoka is our Jedi friend from Lothal.
This week, we’re throwing all that out the airlock and going with a new theory. I can say with 100%, zero doubt, absolutely certainly that the new Inquisitor from the Ahsoka trailer is in fact fan-favorite character from Legends, Mara Jade. Quick history on Ms. Jade, she was introduced in the Thrawn trilogy as the Emperor’s Hand, basically ol’ Palpatine’s personal assassin when he needed someone less obvious than Darth Vader. She wasn’t a Jedi, or a Sith but was able to use the Force. Later on she marries Luke and becomes a Jedi Master. Also, she is arguably the 2nd most important character from the Thrawn books who hasn’t been seen since Disney took over. That’s right, I said she’s the 2nd most important. Come at me, Talon Karrde fanboys.
Why does she work as the new Inquisitor? Honestly for a lot of the same reasons that Ezra does. It sets up for a great plot twist/reveal. Ahsoka duels the new Inquisitor, her white lightsaber blades clashing with the red blades of the Inquisitor. Just when Ahsoka is about to go MORTAL KOMBAT and finish him, the Inquisitor takes off their helmet and we just see a head of long red hair, before a woman looks up and we realize holy shit, it’s Mara Jade!
Also, it’s been a while since I’ve read the Thrawn trilogy and I sent my copy to a friend so he could read it before Ahsoka, but I really feel like Zahn mentions Mara having red hair and green eyes and trimp figure a lot. Like more than is really needed.
Just like having Ezra as the new Inquisitor, Mara Jade would be a nice plot twist and it would be a good way to reintroduce her to Canon. It also sets up a possible redemption angle. Instead of the Emperor’s Hand, she’s the last of the Inquisitors. Survivor of not one, but two Death Star explosions. Maybe she was in the Unknown Regions with Grand Admiral Thrawn all these years but she’s back, baby! And she’s going to finish up what Order 66 started. But thanks to Ahsoka, Ezra, and the rest of the crew of the Ghost, they’ll teach Mara that the Empire was bad. We’re still 25ish years from The Last Jedi and Luke deciding he’s done with the Jedi order, so I doubt we’ll get a Luke/Mara wedding. Instead we’ll learn that the real Order 66 is the friends we made along the way.
Statement: Meatbags Beware, HK-47 is Back
Something that will likely get discussed here on a semi-regular basis here is just how great the Knights of the Old Republic (KOTOR) video games are. Both of them had incredible stories, especially KOTOR 2 which basically just said the Jedi are dumb. There’s a lot of the same thoughts running through KOTOR 2 and The Last Jedi but that’s another topic for another day.
Finally Disney is giving us KOTOR stans what we want. A droid that hates humanity and would murder every single human he could, except for Revan. That’s right, HK-47 is back in canon! Or at least, we’re pretty sure he’s back in canon!
It appears the upcoming Dark Droids comic series features everyone’s favorite rust colored murderbot, right in the middle of the above photo. Quick backstory on HK-47. He was Revan’s personal assassin droid and without a doubt the star of the KOTOR games. Sure, it’s fun to be a Jedi, or a Sith. But it’s more fun to be a droid who hates humanity and who’s programming allows him to let everyone know. HK-47’s best known tic is he starts anything he says with what type of statement it is. Well, that and referring to all humans at “meatbags.”
"Statement: Now do you understand the travails of my existence, Master? Surely it does not compare to your existence, but still."
"I survive. Somehow."
"Commentary: As do I. It is our lot in life, I suppose, Master. Shall we find something to kill to cheer ourselves up?"
-Revan and HK-47, having a nice little chat.
Warm statement: Welcome back HK-47, we’ve missed you in canon.
Fearful statement: I hope that was a nice enough welcome.
Great Moments in Merchandising
It’s uncanny just how good of a send up Spaceballs really is. It’s also crazy to think the movie was released only four years after Return of the Jedi. The scene that always stuck with me, among many, was when they meet Yogurt and he tells them how the real money from the movie is made. Merchandising! Spaceballs: The Flame Thrower always makes me laugh. Love where it says “A Childrens Toy.” I also love Spaceballs: The Breakfast Cereal is “100% Sugar.” Anyway as the story goes, when Mel Brooks met with George Lucas before shooting the film, Lucas told Brooks that he could do whatever he wanted for a parody in the film, but Lucas would not sign off on Spaceballs: The Action Figures.
(image credit: MGM/YouTube)
Moving on to Star Wars: The Action Figures, you could write a book, and someone probably has, about the effect of Star Wars getting into the toy business but that’s not what we do at Death Star HR. We’re looking for the weird and offbeat stuff that some Lucasfilm or Disney office drone slapped an approved label on. And we’re going to start what “Buff Luke.”
If Luke Skywalker was a Major League baseball player during the late 1980’s/90’s steroid era, or part of WWE back when it was still WWF, he’d look like Buff Luke.
Buff Luke was one of the first action figures released in the 1995 Power of the Force 2 (POTF2) lineup. POTF2 kicked off the modern Star Wars action figures, they were the first new figures released since 1985. Fans were excited for anything new, even if Luke looked like he spent all day hanging out at the Anchorhead Gold’s Gym. It wasn’t just Luke either. POTF2 Han, Chewbacca, and Lando were pretty bulked up as well. I just can’t figure out how it happened. Was there no one at the Kenner offices who had a photo of Mark Hamil? Maybe Kenner CEO burst into the designers studio, waving around a cigar like a fatcat and yelling “I want to see Luke and Lando look like Arnold and Carl Weathers in Predator and if you nerds can’t get it right, I’ll have you designing Beanie Babies so fast your head will spin!” I’m sure it was a simple as they are action figures, action heroes are big and bulky and manly, ergo Luke Skywalker needs to look like Barry Bonds when he played for the Giants, not Barry Bonds when he played for the Pirates.
Eventually Kenner put all the main characters on diet pills and in later action figure releases the designers slimmed everybody back down to look more like how the actors actually look. Buff Luke stands as a monument to 1995, when we demanded our Space Wizards be huge men, no matter what.
From the Depths of Wookieepedia
Selected from Random Article link. Salis D’arr University. Pretty sparse article. Off the top of my head, I can’t think of any other institutions of high education in the galaxy that aren’t some kind of Jedi, Sith, or Imperial academies.
The source for Salis D’arr University (Go SDU Fightin’ Mudhorns) is the (get ready for a rabbit hole) is the The Truce at Bakura Sourcebook, which is a roleplaying game guide based on the the novel, The Truce at Bakura. It is best known for A) being the first novel published after the Thrawn Trilogy and B) introducing the Ssi-ruu to the Star Wars university, who were sentient Space Dinosaurs who were also racist. Yup, you read that right. Racist Space Dinos.
News From the HoloNet
Man finds 35 year old Emperor Palpatine figure in the garden
Literally the plot of Rise of Skywalker.
Disney cut a swear word in Andor
No cuss words in the House of Mouse, please.
That’s ‘Emmy winning” Ewok Adventure to you
Suck it, Mando. You got beat to an Emmy by some angry teddy bears.
Andy Serkis figured out the Andor prison secret thanks to a Lego set
Legos need to come with a spoiler alert
That’s it for this week. If you like what I’m doing, please subscribe and tell a friend. I’ll catch you next week, and may the Force be with you.