The Death Star Human Resources Department: November 24, 2023
A Skywalker Thanksgiving, your new dessert recipe, and more.
Hello there
Good morning and Happy Day-After-Thanksgiving. I hope that you are all recovering from your turkey hangover and ready some Star Wars action. I want all of you who subscribe and/or read this to know that I am thankfully for each and every one of. I started Death Star HR as something to do since honestly, I needed a hobby. And to be perfectly honestly, I don’t always stick with hobbies. I’ve enjoyed writing this and I hope you’ve enjoyed reading it.
Like I said last week, this is going to be a quick newsletter and we’ll be back to the full length nonsense next week. As always, if you like what I’m doing, please tell a friend or that one uncle at the dinner table who won’t shut up. Now, let’s get to it.
This Is Where The Fun Begins
In case you need a last minute dessert, why not bring a Porgin Pie?
You’re stuffed with turkey and potatoes but you’ve somehow found room for dessert, when someone hands you a slice of Porgin Pie. You are about to lower your fork to get a bit of pie when you look into the eyes of the Porgs. Only this time they’re not cute like they were in the The Last Jedi. This time, the eyes look dead. And dessert has been ruined.
And You Thought Your Family Dinner Was Awkward
The awkward family Thanksgiving Dinner is a time worn trope. The drunken uncle on his third political rant and we’re not even at halftime of the Lions game. The cousin who’s home from college and either found religion or veganism and won’t stop talking about it. The mom strung out on mother’s little helpers who has the breakdown when the turkey is dry. Spoiler alert, the turkey is always dry.
That being said, I’m not sure you could get any more awkward than a Skywalker Thanksgiving…
Scene: sometime between Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi, somewhere in a galaxy far far away.
Darth Vader: Luke. Son. Pass the turkey.
Luke: Sorry, Dad. It’s tough to pass the turkey WHEN YOU’VE ONLY GOT ONE HAND.
Vader: Just use the Force. I guess Obi-Wan and Yoda did not train you well enough.
Luke: They did the best the could, maybe I’d be a Jedi by now if my dad had been around to train me.
Vader: Fine. I’ll get it myself. [uses the Force to get the plate of turkey]. Dark side meat only, right?
Leia: You don’t get to make Dad jokes when you’re weren’t there to be our dad.
Vader: Luke…Leia…I already told you. It’s Obi-Wan’s fault. He took you both and hid you from me.
[the Force ghost of Obi-Wan appears at the table.]
Obi-Wan: Darth1, I had no choice in the matter. You don’t need the Force to see you’d be a crappy father.
Vader: [attempts to Force choke Obi-Wan’s ghost]
Obi-Wan: See, you’re just proving my point. Republic CPS would have been involved after 2 weeks. Now if you’ll excuse me, the rest of the Jedi Council is meeting for dinner at in the World Between Worlds; Yoda is bringing Dagobah Stew. [Obi-Wan’s ghost disappears]
Vader: I’m so sick of that guy, he’s always claiming the high ground. Moral or otherwise.
[The door opens and Han and Chewie walk in. Leia perks up. Luke stares daggers at Han.2
Han: Sorry we’re late. Someone still hasn’t fixed the hyperdrive motivator in the Falcon.
Chewie: Hhara Ggaaarr Nnnrr?
Han: Yeah yeah, blaming Lando isn’t going to work.
Vader: We would be honored if you would join us.
Han: [rolls his eyes] Last time I sat down at a table with you, it didn’t end so well.
Leia: Dad, be nice. Han, you can sit next to me. I saved you seat.
Luke: Wait, but I’m already sitting next to you.
Leia: [Force pushes Luke off his chair] Huh, I didn’t know I could do that.
Chewie: huffing Wookiee laugh
Luke: Laugh it up, fuzzball. Fine, screw you guys. I need to go to Tosche Station anyway for those power converts.
Vader: Sit down. We are going to eat dinner as a family. The Emperor has foreseen it.
[Luke uses the Force to throw a dinner roll at Vader]
Luke: Oh yeah, did your buddy the Emperor see that one coming?
[Vader responded by using the Force to throw the mashed potatoes. Luke ducks and the potatoes land on Chewie]
Chewie: Rrashrakrrykap karaaa arrarakkyysh!
Han: I knew we should have gone to Lando’s…
End scene. I’m sure Dave Filoni will be emailing me any day to for the Mando season 4 writers room.
From the Depths of Wookieepedia
Bet you didn’t know that Thanksgiving exists, from a certain point of view, in the Star Wars universe.
Thanksgiving was a type of celebration in the galaxy. The criminal known as the "Marauder of Endor" once used a laser to cause a detonation during a family's Thanksgiving celebration. The event was mentioDEned on a wanted poster for the "Marauder of Endor," under the "Special Data" section.
When I say a certain point of view, unfortunately unlike some holidays in Star Wars, the earth-centric holiday of Thanksgiving is not considered canon.
Unfortunately, there’s no additional information about how exactly the Marauder of Endor ruined Thanksgiving. I’m just hoping the Porgin Pie was OK.
News From the HoloNet
Dave Filoni gets the keys to the Star Wars franchise
Dave…need a right hand man? My DM’s are open.
Ahsoka Creator Addresses Baylan Skoll's Future After Ray Stevenson's Passing
The only answer is there’s no answer.
Star Wars parody burlesque show, ‘The Empire Strips Back,’ lands in Portland
Just reinforcing why Portland is one of my favorite cities. Link is mildly NSFW
Don’t worry, at least two people are reportedly still working on that KOTOR remake
Either remake KOTOR or don’t. Just stop teasing me.
That’s it for this week. If you like what I’m doing, please subscribe. I’ll catch you next week, and may the Force be with you.
Honestly my favorite thing about A New Hope might be treating “Darth” as his first name instead of a title.
I know the timeline of Leia acknowledging Vader is her father while Luke still having the hots for her and Han isn’t frozen in carbonite doesn’t really work. I’m taking creative license here.